After returning home from our honeymoon abroad, Jason and I decided it was time to start a family. We’d been together for nearly eight years, married close to three, and it felt like the right time. This being our first, I decided to document my experience trying to conceive, what I learned along the way, and my weekly progress growing our family one finger and toe at a time. This is my pregnancy diary.
Jason left for Chicago the day I reached 10 weeks—he was gone for 12 days, and I was extremely anxious about it. As mentioned, Jason has been the most supportive partner through my pregnancy. He literally does everything for me, from packing my lunch to making me fresh ginger tea to caring for the dogs to rubbing my head when it aches. So when his new company told us he'd be gone for two weeks—before I was through the first trimester—I wasn't particularly excited, especially knowing how severe my exhaustion had been and how exhausting taking care of myself, our house, and our dogs would be.Because Jason is just the best husband ever, here's a list of a few of the things he did to prepare me/the house to be alone:
- Did the grocery shopping for the week, going to three different stores to get everything I like and would need.
- Bought more dog food and treats so I wouldn't run out and need to get more.
- Shaved a bit off the top of our back door to keep it sticking.
- Gave the entire house a deep clean.
- Washed all the laundry.
- Left me his iPad so I can watch Netflix in bed.
I'm telling you, I am THE luckiest woman alive. I couldn't ask for a more amazing husband, and I know he's going to be the best dad in the world.That said, despite all his planning and preparation, the first week without him was a disaster.Sunday
: The first night I was alone in the house, I couldn't fall asleep because I kept running through scenarios of what I would do if someone broke in. First I'd close the bedroom door while dialing 911; then open the window and chuck Ace and Boone outside; if he hadn't made it to my room yet, I'd follow out the window but, if he was fast and already in the room, I'd grab one of the bats I had been sleeping next to (instead of Jason
) and go to town. But wait, no one could get inside without our alarm going off and the dogs alerting me to them, so maybe I'd just call the cops and wait patiently in bed with my taser ready. But what if the alarm doesn't trip? Crap. Wait. That's okay, because we have the app and I can trip it from my phone! Or, maybe he'd be a nice robber and I could just tell him I'm pregnant and that he could take whatever he wanted as long as he left me and my dogs alone. That'd be okay—we basically have nothing of monetary value, and would I really care if we had to replace our TVs? You see how this could keep a pregnant woman awake.Monday
: The next morning, I woke up exhausted and went to work. When I came home, I found Boone covered in hives down his entire back. We had given him Frontline for the first time the day before, and it seems he was having an allergic reaction. Great. I gave him two Benedryl, but it didn't help much. We went to sleep, and it was even more restless than the night prior. Booney kept waking up and itching, which meant I kept waking up.Tuesday
: I started Tuesday in zombie-mode. Boone's bumps weren't any better, which resulted in a two-hour, two-hundred-and-seventy-dollar trip to the vet that afternoon. My favorite.Wednesday
: Then Wednesday came, and I thought there couldn't be anything more that could go wrong. Oh, Jessica, you're pregnant—of course there's more
. Over the weekend I purchased a bunch of new clothes online. I needed new jeans because none of mine fit comfortably anymore, so I ordered a few of my favorites in larger sizes. Now, just last week I was saying how I thought going up a few sizes would do the trick (because I couldn't possibly need maternity wear yet, could I?
). Sigh. I'm usually a 27. I went up to a 29 and 30, and neither fit. Maternity wear, here I come!Thursday
: On Thursday I had to call my doctor to rearrange some appointments. Sounds easy enough, right? No. First, my OB/GYN's office had failed to tell me that the CA Screening test (an ultrasound and blood test
) doesn't take place in their office. When I called to confirm what I thought was my appointment with them, they told me that the screening ultrasound and screening blood test both happened in the same place, just not their office. Then, a different person told me that was wrong, and that they both take place at different
offsite locations. After nearly an hour on the phone with two different offices (it took so long because one office was training their receptionist, so it took 30 minutes to simply book an appointment
), all was settled. But by the end of it my blood pressure had spiked, my stress levels maxed, and my nerves were thoroughly irritated.Friday
: Initially, Friday seemed like it was going great. My CA Screening blood draw was easy, work was productive, and I had the night alone to relax. Until 2 am rolled around, and the house alarm went off. Admittedly, I did everything I shouldn't have. Upon waking, I first thought our air conditioner was broken so I turned that off not even realizing I could be in danger; when I realized it was our house alarm, I just calmly walked to the front door and turned it off. No phone in hand, no looking for signs of intruders, no fear. Luckily, it was a false alarm, but it resulted in two hours spent awake waiting for the real thing to happen.Saturday and Sunday were perhaps the hardest for me this week. As mentioned before, I'm having a hard time grappling with the weight of the lifestyle changes pregnancy has induced. Now, please, before you judge me—because yes, I want a baby and, yes, I got pregnant on purpose—a women goes through an immense amount of change in this time, and it starts as soon as conception. A man has nine months to warm up to the idea of his life flipping upside down; but a women loses a lot about herself as soon as she knows she's pregnant. And it's not always easy to be excited about it all. If you're excited and happy and embracing these changes without issue, that's great! And if you're overwhelmed and anxious, like me, that's okay too. For me, I was having a lot of anxiety (and anxiety attacks
) around the reality of being pregnant.Saturday
: I already get overwhelmed just opening a pregnancy magazine, but it got bad for me when I had to buy maternity clothes. I went with my mom, and just being in the store made me uncomfortable. Staring this change right in the face gave me anxiety; not wanting to need these clothes yet gave me anxiety; all the happy mommy messages on the shirts like "I love you already" gave me anxiety. I'm struggling to feel anything but overwhelmed right now. That in and of itself is an immense weight—add that on top of the guilt for feeling anything but excitement
, and it's almost unbearable. I want a baby, I want to grow our family, but I don't want it to be my entire life yet. Sue me if that makes me a bad person.Sunday (technically, my first day of week 11)
: Then, Sunday, my mom and I took a day-trip down to San Diego because my amazing friend Melissa had generously offered to gift me her "baby stuff." As she went through each piece and showed me how to use it—a jogger stroller, a breast pump, a baby-food processor—the anxiety built again. I'm not ready to think about these things. I'm not a mom yet.
Sunday night I called Jason crying—it's just all too much, especially without him here. I'm overwhelmed, I'm upset that I'm overwhelmed (and anything but excited
), and I feel guilty that I don't have a connection with our baby yet. This isn't what I expected, and it's not how I think a pregnant woman should be—and all that pressure just exploded.Now, I thought Sunday couldn't get any worse, but it did. All I wanted after a hectic, emotional week was a good night's sleep to start the next one. And my night started on a high note: I was asleep by 8 pm. Hallelujah! The dogs woke me at 9 to take them outside to pee, but that was no big deal. Then, at 10:45, Ace, my rescue pup, woke up vomiting—and I mean vomiting! It was the most I'd ever seen out of any dog. And, of course, it was all over our bed and ruined our bedspread. It took two hours (complete with heartburn and the inability to get comfortable in any position
) to fall back asleep. Once I fell back asleep, I awoke just 45 minutes later when our AC turned off; and then again at 4:15 when Boone started whining. I get up at 5 am every morning, so waking up any time after 3:30 am means I don't fall back asleep at all. This night was no exception. I got maybe five hours total, waking up even more anxious and exhausted than the day before. All I wanted to do was cry, but knew I needed to go into work. And so I went.This week, especially because it was without my husband, was the worst of my pregnancy yet. My god-sister is pregnant, too, so I've started talking to her about these anxious feelings. Jason is amazing, but hearing from someone going through the same thing that I'm not alone makes a world of difference.My ONLY saving grace this week was that no new pregnancy symptoms cropped up, and the most debilitating I had been experiencing—like the 24+ hour headaches, ravenous hunger, and severe exhaustion—seem to have subsided. I'm still hungry, and can eat larger-than-usual meals, but I don't need to keep
eating to feel satisfied, which is great. And I don't feel so weak and tired anymore, which makes running the house alone a lot less daunting. So, despite the uncontrollable life events and emotions that kept this week hectic, I'm happy to finally feel like I'm at least physically
getting back to my normal self.SaveSaveSaveSaveSaveSaveSave